I Am Legend in 5 Minutes or Less!

 
emma thompson: i’ve cured cancer!audience: she’s got an english accent! this can’t be good.CUT TO:
THREE YEARS LATER.

the world: *is empty and destroyed and will smith is all alone*

audience: english bitch.

will smith: my conversations with my dog will be the comedic relief to an otherwise heavy story about death and the apocalypse.

dog: *acts will off the screen with one bark*

will & dog: *hunt deer, but don’t catch it, cos a pride of lions catch it instead*

audience: how did the lion get ther…..

will: shuush! scary stuff!

scary stuff: *does indeed happen. scary, dark stuff. scary cos you can’t really see the monsters. lets hope they stay in the dark and don’t get ruined by being shown in broad daylight*

CUT TO:
FIVE SECONDS LATER.

the monsters: *can be seen in broad daylight*

audience: god damn it.

will: *catches one of the monsters to test his cure on them*

the lead bad vampire thing: RRRAAAAAARRRRRRRRGHGGHGHG! (translation: i. am. pissed. off.)

CUT TO:
FLASHBACK INSTALLMENT NUMBER ONE.
will and wife and daughter: *try to escape from new york*

CUT TO:
WILL’S SECRET HOUSE SIZED PANIC ROOM.

will: testing new drug number 67583948376294.

the drugs: *don’t work, they just make things worse*

will: bringing girlfriend-of-lead-vampire-thing back to life and leaving her on ice for a while.

audience: huh?

will: we’ll get back to it later. much later. like 5 seconds before the film ends.

CUT TO:
FLASHBACK INSTALLMENT NUMBER TWO.
will and wife and daughter: *might be infected. but aren’t*

CUT TO:
EMPTY CITY.

will: god, this is so impressive. everything is so empty and stuff.

audience: ever heard of 28 days later…..?

will: yeah, but this is different.

audience: or 28 weeks later…..?

will: this is new york! not smelly london!

english audience: we’re already the god damn villians. to hell with this. *leaves*

will: hey manne-fred, hey manne-eileen.

manne-fred: *seems to wonder off on his own*

will: OH MY GOD MANNE-FRED! ARE YOU REALLY ALIVE?

manne-fred: *stands still* (translation: no, i’m a mannequin, idiot.)

will: *shoots manne-fred*

manna-fred: *lies still* (translation: its a fucking good thing i wasn’t alive!)

will: *gets caught in a trap, knocks himself out*

CUT TO:
FLASHBACK INSTALLMENT NUMBER THREE.
wife and daughter: *die in awkwardly shot helicopter collision*

CUT TO:
SUNSET.

will: *is coming too, but bad vampire dogs are trying to bite him to death, and the bad leader vampire thing is also there*

will’s dog: i shall defend you, sire. *kicks canine ass, but gets bitten. somewhere in here, the bad leader vampire seems to have disappeared*

CUT TO:
WILL’S SECRET HOUSE SIZED PANIC ROOM.

will: *tries to save his dog*

will’s dog: *tries to bite will to death*

will: *tries to kill his dog in the most inhumane way possible. succeeds*

CUT TO:
EMPTY CITY.

will: not only is the empty city impressive, but it is also a subtle metaphor for my loneliness.

audience: subtle?

will: *angry with anger and lonely from loneliness, goes a bit crazy with craziness and tries to kill all the bad vampire things in one go, having momentarily forgotten that there are hundreds of millions of them*

brazilian woman: *comes out of nowhere-

audience: literally. nowhere.

brazilian woman: *-and saves wills ass.*

CUT TO:
WILL’S SECRET HOUSE SIZED PANIC ROOM.

brazilian woman: *has cooked breakfast*

young american boy: *is watching shrek*

will: i like shrek. BUT I HATE BREAKFAST. *goes a bit crazy*

bad vampire things: shreeeeeeeeeeeeee………

will: oh, thats not good.

brazilian woman: to the top floor!

will: *exploderizes everything outside his panic room sized house, helping the bad vampire things find it better in the dark*

bad vampire things: SHREeeeeeeeeeeeee………………

will: to the bottom floor!

brazilian woman: oh, look, the bad vampire girlfriend looks like natalie portman in v for vendetta.

will: half-human? my cure works!

bad vampire things: SHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE……….

will: quick, hide in this metal box with about five minutes of oxygen and stay there till morning.

brazilian woman: but there’s room for three in here.

will: no no no. someone has to stay out here and be the subtle christ metaphor. now take my cure and bring it to the human hideaway in canada that i don’t believe exists.

audience: subtle?

will: now i usually keep at least one grenade in this medicine cabinet. FOUND IT!

bad vampire leader thing: *smashes glass with his head into the shape of a butterfly*

will’s wife: swing away, will.

will: wrong film. anyways….. *exploderizes himself, natalie portman, and all of the bad vampire things*

CUT TO:
CANADA.

brazilian woman: i have cure. i am legend.

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