Okay, we’ll admit, that’s a pretty awful pun. But at least we can console ourselves with the knowledge that it’s not as awful as being Nicolas Cage’s hair. It is a mathematical fact that the shitness of a Nicolas Cage film is inversely proportional to his willingness to let nature take its course and just leave his follicles as the gods intended.
Allow us to present a brief, abridged, suited-to-our-purposes history of one man and his plugs.
The Early Years
Like the illegitimate love child of Danny Zuko and Henry from Eraserhead, a 24-year old Cage shows no sign of the receding hairline to come.
Ill-advised ‘tache aside, still luscious of locks in the Coens’ comedy caper a year later.
Freaky hair, freaky face….and the beginning of the, not quite comb-over, but definitely the flop-over to the side, a pre-emptive measure for what’s coming.
The Michael Bay Years (The Rock, Con Air, Gone in 60 Seconds, National Treasure)
Quick! Run away from the exploding something! Giving Gollum a run for his money in the limp, greasy, straggly hair stakes
Oh no! Angelina’s hair suffers by association!
Have you got me on my good side?
When In Doubt, Wear a Helmet
Who do you think you’re kidding?!
That little round shiny thing is a mirror – use it. None of us are buying this new, darker, my hair-covers-my-forehead-I-swear look.
“Oh look, it’s time to stop living in denial”. Shit film, shit hair.
Jebus. I almost don’t know where to start. Crap film – check. Contrived ‘manly’ stance – check. Hair grown long to compensate for diminishing hairline – check. Jeans borrowed from a younger man – check. Subtle-as-a-brick phallic symbolism in background, underlining Cage’s potent masculinity and virility – check.
2007 was not a good year.
And when he’s good?
Let the hair go frizzy, don’t shave, shadows under the eyes, stop fighting the chin – we can finally salute the actor behind the Hair!
He has been in a lot of shit films all the same, hasn’t he?