Toupee or not toupee?

Okay, we’ll admit, that’s a pretty awful pun. But at least we can console ourselves with the knowledge that it’s not as awful as being Nicolas Cage’s hair. It is a mathematical fact that the shitness of a Nicolas Cage film is inversely proportional to his willingness to let nature take its course and just leave his follicles as the gods intended.

Allow us to present a brief, abridged, suited-to-our-purposes history of one man and his plugs.

The Early Years

Peggy Sue Got Married Peggy Sue Got Married (1986)

Like the illegitimate love child of Danny Zuko and Henry from Eraserhead, a 24-year old Cage shows no sign of the receding hairline to come.



Raising Arizona Raising Arizona (1987)

Ill-advised ‘tache aside, still luscious of locks in the Coens’ comedy caper a year later.

Vampire’s Kiss Vampire’s Kiss (1989)

Freaky hair, freaky face….and the beginning of the, not quite comb-over, but definitely the flop-over to the side, a pre-emptive measure for what’s coming.


The Michael Bay Years (The Rock, Con Air, Gone in 60 Seconds, National Treasure)


Con Air Con Air (1997)

Quick! Run away from the exploding something! Giving Gollum a run for his money in the limp, greasy, straggly hair stakes

Gone in 60 Seconds Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000)

Oh no! Angelina’s hair suffers by association!

Have you got me on my good side?

8 MM 8 MM (1999)

Captain Corelli’s Mandolin Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001)


When In Doubt, Wear a Helmet

Windtalkers Windtalkers (2002)


World Trade Center World Trade Center (2006)



Who do you think you’re kidding?!

Ghost Rider Ghost Rider (2007)

That little round shiny thing is a mirror – use it. None of us are buying this new, darker, my hair-covers-my-forehead-I-swear look.

Next Next (2007)

“Oh look, it’s time to stop living in denial”. Shit film, shit hair.

National Treasure National Treasure (2007)

Jebus. I almost don’t know where to start. Crap film – check. Contrived ‘manly’ stance – check. Hair grown long to compensate for diminishing hairline – check. Jeans borrowed from a younger man – check. Subtle-as-a-brick phallic symbolism in background, underlining Cage’s potent masculinity and virility – check.

2007 was not a good year.



And when he’s good?

Leaving Las Vegas Leaving Las Vegas (1995)


Adaptation Adaptation (2002)

Let the hair go frizzy, don’t shave, shadows under the eyes, stop fighting the chin – we can finally salute the actor behind the Hair!


He has been in a lot of shit films all the same, hasn’t he?


One response to “Toupee or not toupee?

  1. I was thinking that the other day. How the hell did he become an A-List actor cause he’s not very good. (except in the two you mentioned but even then …)

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