“release me from your kung fu grip…..”

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so, come August 7th 2009, the film version of G.I. Joe will finally hit the big screens. and about time too. the paradigm of American machismo, G.I. Joe has, for the last 40 odd years, been teaching little boys the difference between right and wrong, the positive sides to walking around topless (just as long as your torso is so muscled that you look like you have a flesh coloured turtle shell on. but then if you’re not all tanned and muscled, what are you? not American, thats for damn sure. you’re most likely a Commie! get him!) and how great it is to be in the army and serve your country.

and who will be bringing this very heterosexual story to the big screen? i shall break it down three fold; Yay!, Oh?, and Bah.

Director: Stephen Sommers.

Yay!: The Mummy.

Oh?: Deep Rising.

Bah: The Mummy Returns, Van Helsing.

(can we also point out that according to IMDB, Mr. Sommers has three, oh thats right, THREE movies due for release in 2008? check it out. they are all epic budget biggies aswell. and we haven’t heard of any of them. so thats a good sign.)

Writers: Stuart Beattie.

Yay!: Pirates of the Caribbean (the first one).

Oh?: 30 Days of Night, Collateral.

Bah: Pirates of the Caribbean (the other two).

also, Skip Woods.

Yay!: nothing.

Oh?: at a push, Swordfish.

Bah: Hitman.

Actors: Channing Tatum as G.I. Joe (yes, the very heterosexual male from Step Up, but who was appearantly too good to hang around for Step Up 2. we hate him). the other very famous roles (well can you think of any other famous characters from G.I. Joe?) will be played by…..

Yay!: Joseph Gordon Levitt, Dennis Quaid, Christopher Eccleston.

Oh?: Sienna Miller, Ray Park, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaj (Mr. Ecko from Lost).

Bah: Marlon Wayans, Arnold Vosloo (The Mummy from The Mummy).

we don’t know about you, but our emotions are all over the place on this one. could it be the next Bourne? no. not ever. but thats not what we’re holding out for. we’re not sure what we’re holding out for. something along the intelligence and entertainment level of Deep Blue Sea. but thats probably just wishful thinking.

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6 responses to ““release me from your kung fu grip…..”

  1. Louise, and I’m pretty certain it was you, for the love of God don’t hope for this to be another Bourne. If you set your goals that high you will only be disappointed.

  2. Here at Correct Opinion, we act as one!
    No, as written above, we clearly don’t expect this to be the next Bourne, not even close. Somewhat decent entertainment is about the most one can hope for at this stage.

  3. I’m more looking forward to getting penis cancer than seeing this film. It will exclusively be nothing more than a boneheaded propaganda spew akin to the sexy stuff the russians used to throw at their own peasants. Ironic considering the said origin of G.I. Joe (it’s great getting shot for the war profiteers kids). I’m sure there’ll be lots of falling down if the irony ever dawns on the mouth breathers producing this film. But then they’re most likely americans (spelled with a lower case a coz thats all they deserve) so they’ll never catch on to this so obvious it hurts concept. Funny shtuff tho mon frere, I’m laughing and running for the hills at the same time, Just like Al Qaeda, but dont tell the Yanks!

  4. I really really like Deep Rising. There I said it. The only genuinely good movie Stephen Sommers made (Sure The Mummy was fun at the time but look how quickly it got old and boring)

  5. Ok, I have to pace myself in reading your posts. I have tears running down my face. You’re a very funny writer.

  6. A single voice eh? Surely it will all end in tears.

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