Cloverfield in 5 Minutes or Less

Lead Hot Guy: I sure do like looking at you lying in bed, Lead Hot Girl.

Lead Hot Girl: Why thank you, Lead Hot Guy, let’s spend the day together…..

CUT TO:

TWO WEEKS LATER. IT IS LEAD HOT GUY’S LEAVING PARTY!

Lead Hot Guy: Oh my god I’m so surprised by this surprise party.

Camera Man: He Lead Hot Guy, who’s that Random Other Guy with Lead Hot Girl?

Lead Hot Guy: *pissy mood*

Lead Hot Girl: *leaves with random other guy*

Kooky Girl: I don’t like you much, Camera Man.

Lead Hot Guy’s Brother: I am not as attractive as my brother. I am not long for this world.

Lead Hot Guy’s Brother’s Girlfriend: You can call me Sassy Chick. Cos I am sassy. Now get out of my face.

The Whole Room: *shakes*

Everyone: OMGWTF??!!!  *goes to the roof*

Stuff: *explodes in the distance, and somehow heads straight for the party people. they run and scream and run some more, and end out on the street*

The Statue Of Liberty’s Head: *seems to be full of explosives, and it explodes into flames when it hits a building down the street, and somehow heads straight for the party people*

Nobody: *is hurt, at least until another building falls over and explodes, and bits of it somehow head straight for the party people*

The Party People: is anyone noticing that all this stuff seems to be aiming for us?

Lead Hot Guy: lets just get out of here.

The Party People: *head for the Brooklyn Bridge, which is subsequently squashed by a monster’s tail*

Lead Hot Guy’s Brother: *was not long for this world*

The Remaining Party People: *head back into Manhattan, now that they have a new goal, to save Lead Hot Girl*

Camera Man: For the remainder of this movie, I shall be the comedic relief. By which I mean, I shall be very, very annoying.

Sassy Chick: For the remainder of this movie, I shall disagree with everyone’s plan of action about how to escape, but then go ahead with them anyway.

Kooky Girl: For the remainder of this movie, I shall GARGARGGLE GAR *is killed by some small thing, explodes*

Lead Hot Guy: For the remainder of this movie, I shall not react properly to the news that my brother has just died, but instead risk my life to save a girl that isn’t really Lead Hot Girl material in the first place.

CUT TO:

ARMY CHECKPOINT NUMBER ONE.

Nice Army Man: Okay, you’re down to three Party People, and I can only assume that all that blood and dirt on you is from having had a bad monster-related day. Despite this, I must still insist I remind you that there are monsters out there.

Lead Hot Guy: We know, we totally know this already!

Audience Member: oooooh….. i don’t feel so good……

Sassy Chick: To Lead Hot Girl!

Lead Hot Girl: *is located in a crumbling, sideways leaning apartment block*

Audience Member: uh oh…… my tummy hurts…..

The Remaining Party People: *walk through one building with FLASHING FIRE ALARMS -*

Epileptic Audience Member: *has a fit*

The Remaining Party People: *- and then walk over to the crumbling sideways building.*

Audience Member: oh, that done it. *barfs*

Hot Lead Guy: *saves Hot Lead Girl*

Sassy Chick: Quick! The monster is inexplicably heading right for us again.

CUT TO:

ARMY CHECKPOINT NUMBER TWO.

Stuff: *is exploding*

The Remaining Party People: *get on a helicopter, watch stealth bombers drop napalm on the Monster, which gets pissed of and heads inexplicably directly for the helicopter with the Remaining Party People on it, causing it to crash*

Camera Man: We survived! We made it!

Lead Hot Guy: Uhm….. Turn around.

Monster: Gobble Gobble Gobble. *eats Camera Man*

Audience: HORRAY!

Lead Hot Guy/Girl: As the only remaining Party People, we shall take refuge under this flimsy bridge as they drop a nuke to kill the monster, and all shall be –

CUT TO:

Lead Hot Guy/Girl: *are on a Ferris Wheel. in the background, something falls into the ocean*

CUT TO:

THE CINEMA.

Everyone: *leaves in a daze, as if vertigo were suddenly contagious*

Cinema Staff: *looking at another pile of puke, and another epilepsy victim* Thats it, I quit.

THE END.

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One response to “Cloverfield in 5 Minutes or Less

  1. Really cool, ranks alongside the Batman Begins and Transformers mini scripts!

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