Jumper in 5 Minutes or Less!

Young Hayden Christensen: I sure do like Young Rachel Bilson. But I’m a nice guy, and even at the age of 15, she’s into tough bully guys, like the one thats coming right for me.

Young Bully Guy: I hate hate hate snow globes. RAH! *throws snow globe on to frozen lake*

Young Rachel Bilson: Hayden, don’t bother going to get that, I’m not really into snow globes either.

Young Hayden: No, I must get it, its a weak metaphor for my love of you. *gets the snow globe, falls through the ice*

Young Bully/Rachel: Awh, crap.

Young Hayden: I really wish I wasn’t about to die from drowning/hypothermia. *doesn’t, finds himself and half the lake in the library all of a sudden*

Librarian: Shuush! *points at “Shuush!” sign*

Young Hayden: I should probably go home and change.

CUT TO:

HAYDEN’S HOUSE.

Hayden’s Dad: *is at home, drunk already, ergo deadbeat* And where have you been? And why are you GETTING WATER ALL OVER OUR CRAPPY CARPET?! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE SO I CAN BEAT IT?!

Young Hayden: I wish I didn’t have to stay in this house with my scary dad. *doesn’t, finds himself back in the library again*

Librarian: God damn will you SHUUSH!

Young Hayden: I have super-powers! I can be a super hero! To the bank!

CUT TO:

SEVERAL YEARS LATER.

Hayden: *is in his 20’s, attractive, rich, and oddly enough, not fat, despite the fact that he doesn’t need to move anywhere, ever*

Doorman: I hate you, Hayden.

Hayden: Huh?

Doorman: You don’t need that umbrella-ella-ella…..

Hayden: To London! *goes to London, does a London chick* To Cairo! *goes to Cairo, gets a Cairo tan* To the bank! *goes to the banks vault, takes loadsa money*

Audience: So, obviously he’s the bad guy. Can’t wait for his comeuppance.

Director Doug Liman: No, he’s not the villian, he’s the anti-hero.

Audience: ………

Director Doug Liman: You’re supposed to identify with him, because he’s living the lives you all can’t.

Audience: Yeah, therefore we hate him, can’t wait for his comeuppance.

CUT TO:

THE JUNGLE.

Samuel L Jackson: *has a jumper tied up, and kills him with his special knife*

Audience: So, he must be the good guy, catching all the bad jumpers.

Director Doug Liman: No! No no no…… He’s the bad guy! He has a special Jumper killing knife and everything!

Audience: You’ve lost us.

CUT TO:

HAYDEN’S SUPER SEXY APARTMENT

Samuel: I have a few questions.

Hayden: Well, if you can make it snappy, I have to Jump….. I mean, get the bus to Tokyo later for a date.

Samuel: Time to die, Evil Jumper Scum!

Hayden: I’m outta here! *jumps outta here*

CUT TO:

HAYDEN’S NEIGHBOURHOOD OF YORE

Hayden: This is the last place they’ll come looking for me; where my family and friends all live.

Rachel Bilson: Oh, hi Hayden, I see you’ve grown up to be all hot and sexy like me.

Hayden: Wanna go to Rome for the weekend?

Rachel: Sure!

CUT TO:

ROME.

Hayden: Wanna break into the Colliseum?

Rachel: Sure.

Jamie Bell: Hi, I seem to be stalking you randomly. But we’ve also run into the three bad guys who already seemed to be here, and since we had to Jump to get in here……

Hayden: Shuush! You’ll confuse the audience.

Jamie: And we haven’t even started talking about Paladins or Jump-Scars yet…..

Audience: *brain lobotomy drool*

Hayden: Rachel, maybe you better go back to Anywhere, USA. Jamie and I have to go to Japan to steal a car.

CUT TO:

JAPAN.

Jamie and Hayden: *steal a car*

CUT TO:

THE DESERT. JAMIE’S BASE.

Hayden: So, Samuel is the bad guy and –

Audience: No, hang on, why did you go to Japan?

Jamie: Yes, he’s the bad guy, and we have to go kill him before he kills us –

Audience: Did you really just go to Japan to steal a car?

Hayden: I will help you, but only because I feel that you will do most of the actual killing –

Audience: *to each other* Did they really go to Japan to steal a car? Couldn’t they have done that on the street they were already on? Just Jump into the nearest car?

Jamie: Here’s my bomb. I’m off to kill them.

Hayden: But they have Rachel hostage. You’ll kill her too.

Jamie: Yeah, I don’t really know her, so….. *Jumps off*

Hayden: Oh no you don’t. *Jumps through Jamie’s Jump-Scar*

Jamie: Hey! Stay out of my Jump-Scars. *jumps to Japan, New York, Australia, anywhere they’ve already been in the film*

Hayden: *gives good chase, gets the bomb detonator off him*

Jamie: Alright, fine, do you have a better idea?

CUT TO:

RACHEL’S APARTMENT.

Hayden: *appears, is tied up very quickly*

Samuel: You’re in trouble now, because nobody can Jump an entire building.

Hayden: But….. I’m….. The…… Good…… Guy…….

Audience: No you’re not.

Director Doug Liman: GAH!

Hayden: *performs the previously mentioned impossible and Jumps the entire building into the safety of a nearby river*

CUT TO:

Rachel: I love you, Hayden. Although since you’re kind of a dick, leaving me in Rome with no explanation, it would seem to be down to the fact that you have lots of money.

Hayden: I can live with that.

THE END.

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