Iron Man in 5 Minutes Or Less!

Captain Comic Relief: And here to present this very presitigious award for Best Attendance and Punctuality for a Celebrity to Tony Stark……

Obidiah Stane: Oh, he’s not here, but if he were here, he’d probably not give you the boring speech I’m about to give you….

CUT TO:

CASINO FLOOR:

Tony Stark: Oh, I am so frickin’ RICH! Then why do I gamble, I hear you ask? Because I need to show you how much I can lose without it bothering me. How much do you think that is, Captain Comic Relief?

Captain Comic Relief: You forgot to come and collect this. *hands him the award*

Tony Stark: Oh, nice. I bet $1 million and this lovely award on black.

Croupier: Red.

Tony Stark: Meh.

Audience: I hate him so bad……

CUT TO:

Afghanistan.

Tony Stark: This seems like the logical place for a rich American like me to bring very powerful weapons to a small, not particularly well guarded army base.

Tony Stark’s New Bomb: *exploderizes everything in the background. several innocent women and children were killed or severely wounded*

Army Base: *gets attacked by local Afgahani’s*

Tony Stark: Now what’s brought all this on? *gets knocked out by near by exploderizing bomb, a piece of which finds itself in his chest*

CUT TO:

A dank Cave.

Evil Afghani: You will make me one of your new missiles using nothing but bits of sharp rock and any metal you can find lying about the place.

Tony Stark: ooooohkay….. *makes magical glow in the dark magnet for his chest instead*

Evil Afghani: No, no no! No glow in the dark magnets! You make something that isn’t one of your new missiles again, and I’ll kill this sad man you share this cave with.

Tony Stark: ooooohkay….. *makes giant and seemingly indestructible suit of iron with built in flamethrowers and foot jets*

Audience: ooooohkay…… *wave farewell to plausability*

Evil Afghani: If this suit of iron isn’t a missle then I’m going to get very annoyed with you.

Tony Stark: GAAAAAAAAAH RICH MAN’S FURIOUS RAGE ATTACK!

Everything: *exploderizes, Stark escapes back to USA*

CUT TO:

The Press Conference Of Product Placement.

Tony Stark: Boy, I sure could use a Great American Burger.

Burger King: Hey hey!

Tony Stark: So, yeah, I’m gonna stop making weapons now.

The Shareholders: *choke on their monocles*

Obadiah Stane: Tony, you’re obviously suffering from Post Traumatic Cave Syndrome, lets not make any brash decisions.

Captain Comic Relief: Yeah, man, I’m in the army, and the only reason I have this prestigious, non-front line position is because I’m friends with a weapons developer…..

Tony Stark: No more weapons! None of it!

CUT TO:

The Charity Bash Of Over Acted Flirting.

Tony Stark: Oh, hello Pepper Potts.

Pepper Potts: I hate, haaaaaate, my name. Hate it.

Tony Stark: Yeah, but you look the best you’ve looked since you got with that whiny Coldplay manbitch. Let us flirt!

Pepper Potts: Okay, I can do this. I shall use all my acting prowess to channel the spirit of Moneypenny.

Obadiah Stane: Can I interrupt this awkward moment with some bad, terrible bad news?

Audience: Please God, yes!

Obadiah Stane: I’m not sure why I’m confessing this to you now, since you had absolutely no idea, and this confession will eventually set in the motion the chain of events which destroys my element of “surprise” as being the villian here, but I’ve always kinda hated you, and got you kicked out of Stark Industries. Laters.

Pepper Potts: Oh, snap!

CUT TO:

The Designing Basement Of Technological Advancements Montage.

Tony Stark: This suit doesn’t work.

Robot Slave: No, it doesn’t.

Tony Stark: *tinker, tinker* This suit still doesn’t quite work properly.

Robot Slave: Nope.

Tony Stark: *tinker, tinker, tinker* It works!

Robot Slave: Finally.

Tony Stark: Lets try it out in the most dangerous way imaginable.

Robot Slave: Don’t you think you should take it nice and easy to begin with-

Tony Stark: *busts a hole in his house, destroys most of his cars, flys half way to the moon before realising its cold up there, freezes, pushes the ‘Ice Scraper’ button on his suit, manages to save himself millimeters from crashing into a busy road, causes many car crashes, then busts another hole in his house*

Robot Slave: Thankfully the ice situation was played subtlely enough for the audience not to know it’ll come again later.

Audience: No, it wasn’t.

CUT TO:

The Afghani Town Of Retribution.

Afghani Evil Number Two: Kill anything you can’t rape, and lets go.

Iron Man: YOU MADE ME FEEL BAD FOR SUPPLYING YOU WITH WEAPONS GAAAAAAAH!

Afghani Evil Numbers Three to Nine: Human shields, muthahumpah!

Iron Man: *pushes the RoboCop impersonation button on his suit, kills them all without barely moving*

Potential Rape Victim: Oh, snap.

CUT TO:

The Phone Calls Of Plot Development.

Captain Comic Relief: Are you Iron Man?

Tony Stark: Yes. Hang on, I’ve got another call coming through.

Pepper Potts: Obadiah Stane got you kidnapped earlier in the movie. He’s bad news.

Tony Stark: Yeah, I knew this. Hang on Pepper, got someone on hold.

Pepper Potts: Ihate my name soooooo much……

Captain Comic Relief: I’ve called off the fighter jets you were just jet fighting with, so next time you decide to invade a terrorist country, at least gimme a bell, yeah?

Tony Stark: Okay, I gotta go now, Trained Army Solider, and ask my UnTrained Secretary/Personal Assistant to help me fight a giant robot.

Captain Comic Relief: Okay. Laters.

CUT TO:

The Exploding Building Of Expensive Climaxes. (get your mind out of the gutter!)

Tony Stark: You’ve certainly receded into insanity in a hurry, Stane.

Obadiah Stane: Gah wah Pancake Hairy Speakers manah Tup Puppy fink tink dink REX!

Pepper Potts: Would you just kill him already!

Tony Stark: Let us fight in the sky!

Obadiah Stane: *gives chase, high in the sky*

The Ironic, Subtle Ice Problem From Earlier: *strikes*

Audience: Oh, what a surprise.

Obadiah Stane: I am disabled in my broken Iron Monger suit.

Tony Stark: Not good enough. Potts, blow the building up.

Pepper Potts: K. *blows the building up*

CUT TO:

The Press Conference Of Epilogues.

Captain Comic Relief: Just don’t tell anyone you’re Iron Man.

Tony Stark: K. *pause* I’m Iron Man.

Captain Comic Relief: *head shake of comedic disbelief*

The Film: *is over*

Audience: I heard there’s more when the credits are over!

Sam Jackson: Hi. Avengers. Bye.

The Film: *is most definitely over*

Audience: Ten minutes of closing credits for that. Jon Favreau, I’m gonna hurt you so bad……

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One response to “Iron Man in 5 Minutes Or Less!

  1. Hmm I know this was a shortened version but I’m wondering if you actually saw the scene at the start in Afghanistan before they cut to Vegas. I know a buddy of mine was at the press screening and for some reason that entire scene was missing.

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