INT. SKYSCRAPER. SOME U.S. CITY.
THAT GUY FROM THE DEPARTED: Don’t worry, lady who looks scared, I’m just here to jump through this window and kill the five assassins on the building hundreds of feet away.
OFFICE LADY: Yeah, whatevahs.
THAT GUY FROM THE DEPARTED: *jumps through the window and kills the five assassins on the building hundreds of feet away, gets a phone call*
SOME RUSSIAN GUY: Are you standing on the big X?
THAT GUY FROM THE DEPARTED: Yeah, why?
SOME RUSSIAN GUY: Oh, no reason. But just don’t move from that X for the next few seconds.
THAT GUY FROM THE DEPARTED: Okay. *hears a gun shot from miles away, doesn’t move, just looks around a bit, finally gets shot in the head by a cool looking by impractical bullet that the russian guy shot around a corner from about 10 miles away*
AUDIENCE: Oh dear lord, what have we done?
CUT TO: OFFICE DRONE LAND.
JAMES MACAVOY: Choose life…… Choose beer and choose other things…..
AUDIENCE: Wrong Scot, wrong monologue about pissing your life away, just wrong.
JAMES MACAVOY’S BEST FRIEND: *is totally nailing James MacAvoy’s moany ass girlfriend, just in case we weren’t sure just how bad his life is*
JAMES MACAVOY: I get panic attacks whenever my fat and very fat boss starts stapling mid-air around my head.
JAMES MACAVOY’S BEST FRIEND: I get panic attacks when I drop my wallet in your apartment while I’m doing your girlfriend and the camera closes up on this as if its going to be important, but then nothing comes of it.
CUT TO: DEPARTMENT STORE.
ANGELINA JOLIE: Hi, wanna be an assassin like me and that assassin pointing a gun at the back of your head? *exploderizes the entire shop*
JAMES MACAVOY: Actually, I’m just gonna pull some ugly slo-mo faces for the next fifteen minutes if thats okay with you.
ANGELINA JOLIE: No, its not.
AUDIENCE: No, its really not. Your face is butt ugly in slo mo.
CUT TO: A WOOL FACTORY.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I own this wool factory. Because wool can tell the future. But only in so far as to who should be killed and who shouldn’t be.
JAMES MACAVOY: Are you gonna try to explain that any further?
MORGAN FREEMAN: No.
JAMES MACAVOY: I really think you should, because this entire yarn, ahem, is based on you telling me that you get your orders from a cotton jin.
MORGAN FREEMAN: We don’t have time to explain things any better. We have to get you beaten up for the next 25 minutes.
JAMES MACAVOY: Huh? *gets beaten up by the beat ’em up guy, stabbed by the stab ’em up guy and shot by the shoot ’em up guy*
ANGELINA JOLIE: Does that hurt?
JAMES MACAVOY’S INTESTINES: *are hanging out*
ANGELINA JOLIE: Take a nice hot bath in this bath of hot water with what looks like candle wax on top. We’ve decided not to tell the world that candle wax water cures everything, including decapitation.
CUT TO: ON TOP OF A TRAIN.
ANGELINA JOLIE: Duck!
JAMES MACAVOY: Huh? *clonks himself out on a bridge*
CUT TO: THE ANCIENT ROOM OF PLOT DEVELOPMENTS
MORGAN FREEMAN: So, the guy that killed your father, we think you’re ready to kill him.
JAMES MACAVOY: You think I’m ready to kill him? I’ve only been training for a few weeks. I’ve only just learned how to rip off The Matrix bend bullets around non-moving cattle carcasses. You’ve got people here trained since birth. Wouldn’t they be better suited for this?
MORGAN FREEMAN: No. No go meet Terence Stamp while I do some busy work.
CUT TO: WHAT LOOKS LIKE IT COULD BE RUSSIA.
TERENCE STAMP: Hi. See me in the sequel!
CUT TO: A TRAIN.
ANGELINA JOLIE: I’m pretty sure I could get on this by foot, but this is more fun. *drives her car into the train*
JAMES MACAVOY: Daddy Killer! I kill you now!
DADDY KILLER: No, I’m not Daddy Killer! I’m your Daddy!
JAMES MACAVOY: Huh?! *train falls off a bridge, everyone on board should die, but thankfully only everyone except James MacAvoy and Angelina Jolie die*
AUDIENCE: Who’s the Daddy Killer now, Daddy Killer?
JAMES MACAVOY: *confused woe*
CUT TO: A WOOL FACTORY.
JAMES MACAVOY: Take this! *releases thousands of rats into the wool factory, most of which are connected to bombs, which should kill everyone in the building, but thankfully only kills everyone in the building except for the people who had lines already*
JAMES MACAVOY: And take this! *James beats up the beat ’em up guy, stabs the stab ’em up guy, shoots the shoot ’em up guy*
CUT TO: THE ANCIENT ROOM OF FINAL SHOWDOWNS.
MORGAN FREEMAN: Everyone get in a big circle! And then kill this motherfucker!
AUDIENCE: Oh, that was awkward to hear coming out of your mouth!
ANGELINA JOLIE: I hate profanity! *kills everyone in the room with bullet, including herself, except James MacAvoy and Morgan Freeman*
CUT TO: OFFICE DRONE LAND.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I found you, James MacAvoy, with your oddly changed back of the head haircut.
JAMES MACAVOY STAND IN: Hi.
MORGAN FREEMAN: What the -? *phone rings* Hello?
JAMES MACAVOY: Are you standing on the big X?
MORGAN FREEMAN: Yeah, why?
JAMES MACAVOY: Oh, no reason. *shoots a bullet from the other hemisphere, managing to just barely miss every other (still living) major character in the movie before burrowing into the back of Morgan Freeman’s head*
JAMES MACAVOY STAND IN: My shirt! Its ruined!
JAMES MACAVOY: What the fuck have you done lately?
AUDIENCE: Just spent good time and money on YOU and this piece of SHIT! GET HIM!