Review for “Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull”

And so, 19 years after the now not-as-aptly-titled Last Crusade, Henry Jones Jnr is back, but not necessarily due to popular demand. From the get-go, there has been fan-boy negativity, with constantly updated reports of what the plot involved, including Shia LaBeouf possibly being taken on as a sidekick/son and eventual successor to Ford. And then there was all this talk of aliens, Area 51 and other such sci-fi nonsense. But what people need to remember is that Indy has previously been chasing The Ark Of The Covenant, magical Voodoo Sankara Stones, and last, but by no means least, The Holy Grail itself. Following Indy on his perilous travels has always required a strong suspension of disbelief, and with his latest outing, your enjoyment of the movie will really depend of how strong that suspension really is.

Starting off at a breakneck pace and only pausing for breath during the obligatory visit to his college, its 1957, and Indy has been kidnapped by Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett, giving the accent all she’s got), and brought to Nevada, where Spalko has found “Area 51”, which is in fact that massive warehouse from the end of Raiders, and somewhere inside here is something that she wants very badly. There is very little that can be said about the actual plot-points without giving pretty much everything away. Needless to say, Jones escapes from the clutches of Spalko, only to be brought back in when Mutt gives him a letter from his mother, Marian Ravenwood (Karen Allen) which in itself was written by Professor Oxley (John Hurt), a fellow archaeologist and surrogate father to Mutt, who’s own father wasn’t around (ahem).

And so from there Jones and sidekick Mutt follow the clues left by Oxley to find the mystical Crystal Skulls, a plot device that suffers similarly to the Sankara Stones due to the relative lack of knowledge of their existence by general Joe Public. But they do suit the gear shift from the late 30’s of the original trilogy, to the mid 50’s that this is set in. Spielberg does a good job setting the tone; all Elvis songs, massive pastel dresses and fights between townies and greasers, not to mention one of the most iconic images of the entire franchise being that of Indy standing against the backdrop of a massive nuclear mushroom cloud.

Nobody does huge, epic and yet specific set-pieces like Spielberg, but even given the backdrop to the story, alot of the last 45 minutes of the movie will test your patience. While it is a non-stop breathless action set-piece followed by action set-piece, alot of what occurs will most likely take you right out of the thick of it, due to your own sniggering at the ridiculous-ness of it all.

Any worries anyone might have about the now 65 year old Ford being too old for this shit needn’t bother fretting, he’s still as sarky, snarky and gruff as he ever was, if not even more so. The chemistry he once had with Ravenwood is no longer as sparky, but he does get to bounce some good lines of LaBeouf (who isn’t nearly as irritating as his first scene in the movie makes him out to be) and Blanchett, who seems to relish not playing someone in a corset. However, some other actors seem entirely out of place here. Ray Winstone’s entire character arc will be obvious to everyone within 5 seconds of his screentime, John Hurt gets to do nothing but look distracted and slightly crazed, and poor Jim Broadbent barely gets a look in.

So, in total, this is basically the Die Hard 4.0 of the Indy series; everything that made the originals great is still in place, but the situation that they find themselves has pushed the envelope so far to please the modern day “everything bigger is better” audience that it buggers belief, taking something that could’ve been awful, and making it good, when it could’ve been great.

Lucas has already stated that for Indy 5, LaBeouf will take centre stage with Ford playing Connery’s role from The Last Crusade. Don’t know about you, but the idea of following the adventures of Mutt Jones just doesn’t seem as appealing…..

Six Point Five Out Of Ten

Indy 4 is Good/Not So Good/Bad

The Good (from IMDB):

“I can strongly say that Spielberg has gone out on top and brought back one the most beloved cinematic heroes around for one more time…… Here he returns to the basic fundamentals of the lost arts of practicality and just plain good old fashioned genuine storytelling.”

The Bad (from /Film):

“During the whole of the movie, there was not a single moment that I thought our hero Mr. Jones was in any sort of peril or even significant inconvenience. In most cases, you were so many steps ahead of the characters that it was really just an arduous wait for them to get through it.”

And The Ugly (from AICN):

“For those of you that feel that the new Star Wars movies robbed your childhood, expect some molestations from Uncles’ George and Steven…… In short, this is the Indiana Jones movie that you were dreading.”

Well, uh oh! That doesn’t bode well. At the very least, we know that the movie will make at least a billion dollars in the worldwide box office, and thats more important than it being any good, right? I mean, why else spend more money and time on the marketing aspect of a film than the making of a film itself, right?

Just kidding. But it probably won’t be as bad as some of the leaked reviews online would have us believe. Spielberg seems incapable of making a bad movie, just varying levels of disappointing ones, and we’d better brace ourselves for this one. Correct Opinion won’t have its own official review until the 19th of May, so you’d all better wait until then for a more detailed, perspectivized (yes, its a word. yes, we just made it up) review on this years most anticipated movie.

The Final Indy Poster!

This? Is cool. Although Cate Blanchett kinda looks like an alien. Plot point revealed? Lets hope not.

new indy trailer!

you didn’t believe us when we said the new Indiana Jones movie was gonna involve aliens, did you? nnnoooooo……

then explain that picture above! Indy’s in Roswell for what? the hell of it?

and explain the references to aliens in the new trailer:

what do you mean, you didn’t notice any references to aliens??!! what about the…… well, no, we didn’t notice any either. so thats nice and confusing, isn’t it?

cover art for ‘kingdom of the crystal skull’ comic

yes, Indy’s bottom lip looks like he’s been eating strawberrys all day.

yes, the way the flag is flowing, it looks like a russian propoganda movie.

yes, Cate’s hair looks like a mix of Zeta-Jones in Chicago and a Lego Lady.

yes, Ray Winstone looks like Jason Alexander with a porn moustache on.

yes, with the flames behind her, Karen Allen looks like Phoenix from X-Men.

yes, the Crystal Skull doesn’t look very intimidating, more like a statuette given out to Best Exorcist at the annual Academy of the Paranomal Awards.

and yes, in the bottom right hand corner, Indy seems to be standing on a pool of water, filled with floaty-light skeletons.

but look how cool…… with the whip. and the bike. but not shia labeouf. he can f**k right off. go back to crappy hitchcock remakes. we hate you.

indiana jones and the weight of too much expectation

it didn’t really start well, did it? Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull. its got the same kind of hopeful optimism and realistic nihilism reaction that The Phantom Menace had when its title was first officially announced. and where was it announced? the mtv movie awards. by shia labeouf. ugh.

lets face facts; these things don’t work out. if its been many a year since the previous installment, and you decide to reboot, its not gonna fly. look at the Star Wars movies. we had to wait til Episode III before old george had gotten his groove back, but by then, it was too late, and the few of us he had re-ensnared got lost again by Darth’s final line…..

and this isn’t exactly Die Hard 4.0. that movie wasn’t coming off the back of a trilogy of generally deemed classics. and it wasn’t nearly as long a wait since With A Vengence as it has been since The Last Crusade.

and have a look at the picture above. sure, harrison is still looking good, i.e. he doesn’t really look that much older since we saw him last donning the whip. but WTF is that dead thing beside him??? unless its a shrunken head mummy, i’m pretty sure its an alien mummy. thats right. i’ve outted this movie. its to do with aliens. there. get over it….. no? neither can i.

don’t get me wrong. i don’t want this movie to suck. but we’ve got george effing up his own saga, and deciding to put aliens into this movie as well. we’ve got shia labeouf, riding on the world’s biggest wave of misplaced acclaim since colin farrell. we’ve got an appearantly stellar script by frank darabont, only to be replaced by one from david keopp, who’s last script before this was for Zathura. we’ve got spielberg, while on one of his more interestingly dark and intelligent streaks, hasn’t had a fun movie since Jurassic Park. and that was 15 years ago! (disagree? lets see; Munich – too terrorist-y to be fun, War Of The Worlds – too much 9/11 subliminalism to be fun, The Terminal – too racist to be fun, Catch Me If You Can – too many daddy issues to be fun, Minority Report – too many dead children to be fun, A:I – too much haley joel osmand to be fun, Saving Private Ryan, Amistad, Schindler’s List – really shouldn’t have to explain why these three aren’t fun, even The Lost World was very dark).

it may be down to cate blanchett and ray winstone to save this. that, or the luck of the gods….. thats what they should’ve called it. Indiana Jones and The Luck Of The Gods. yeah. thats much better……