Young Hero: My name is D’Leh. Backwards, that spells Held. Which is German for Hero. The director of this movie is German. See?
Hunter Guy: Shut yer face. I promised your father that I would take care of you while he was on his many-year-long quest, and spank you I shall….. Whazzat over there?
Young Damsel-In-Distress(D.I.D): *is unconscious, but alive*
Hunter Guy: She’s unconscious, but alive.
Young Hero: Ooohh…. She’s got pretty blue eyes.
Village Elder Witch: She is the one. The one from the prophecy. The prophecy I’ve never mentioned up until now.
TEN YEARS LATER:
Hero: Thank God I’ve grown up to be so good looking, with perfect teeth and skin, and hardly any need for real clothing, even though we live on the snowline of a mountain.
Hunter Guy: So, basically, whoever kills the Wooly Mammoth has the right to be the lead Hunter Guy once I’m gone…..
Hunter Guy: And also gets to bed the D.I.D here.
Everyone: LETS GOOOOOOO!
Wooly Mammoths: *arrive, but promptly fuck off when everyone tries to kill them*
Hero: I seem to be stuck to this one last Mammoth.
One Last Mammoth: Get the Fuck Offa Me! *goes bug ass crazy*
Hero: *kills it, but appearantly doesn’t think he killed good enough, and so doesn’t recieve the Hunter status, or the hot D.I.D*
Guys In The Audience: Fag.
LATE ONE NIGHT.
Hero: *is sleeping in the even colder/more uncomfortable mountain tops*
Guys On Horses: *come to the sleepy village, kill/rape (off screen, but we can assume) most of everyone, but take D.I.D because she is hot and the lead bad guy likes her. Alot*
Hero: I shall go and save her.
Hunter: But we need your help here. People are dying here. And you didn’t even want her a few hours ago.
Hero: Yes, but plot development must have me move out of this boring mountain village.
Hunter: My god, you’re right. Lets go!
Village Elder Witch: Oh, you’re part of a prophecy. See ya!
Hero/Hunter: *have not been walking for very long, but have travelled into an entirely new kind of weather-type*
Hero: What was that?
Giant TurkeyRaptor: RRRRRAAAARRRRRR!
Hero/Hunter: Holy crap in hell thats ridiculous looking!
Giant TurkeyRaptor: *kills most of everyone, except everyone who’s had a line in the film already, then buggers off*
Hero/Hunter: *again, not walking much longer than a few hours, find themselves in a brand new terrain*
Hero: So far, this has been kind of underwhelmi – *falls into a massive hole in the ground*
Hunter: How did you not see that? Anyways, I’ll go get help.
Hero: But we’re in the desert, there’s no-one around….. Hello?
Saber-Tooth Tiger: *appears, as if from nowhere*
Hero: Oh, crap.
Saber-Tooth Tiger: *looks at the hero, and buggers off*
The “African” Village.
The Locals: Click clack clock click click clack. Clock. Clack clack.
The Locals: Oh, you speak English too? Good. You’re dad breezed through here over a decade ago and managed to teach us all your language. Oh, by the way, you’re part of our prophecy. So, whazzup?
Hero: We’re going to find a girl that was taken from us by the Four-Legged Beasts.
The Locals: You mean the guys on horses? Do we know your language better than you do?
Hero: Moving on….. You in?
A massive river that looks exactly like but can’t possibly be The Nile.
Hero: Hey, look, Giant Winged Birds.
The Locals: Boats.
Hero: Yeah, sure.
The Locals: Even though boats weren’t invented til about 1,200 B.C…..
Hero: Moving on. Lets follow them up river.
The Locals: Nah, lets take a short cut through the desert.
Many Of The Locals: *die from exhaustion/hunger/thirst/lack of dialogue*
A Giant Pyramid.
The Locals: The first pyramid wasn’t built until 2,630 B.C…..
Hero: Moving on. Look, they’re using Wooly Mammoths for their evil Pyramid schemes.
The Locals: Again, that never happened…..
The Big Bad Guy: Whats all this noise? I can’t see a thing under this velvet veil.
Blind Albino Psychic Slaves: We’re under attack.
The Big Bad Guy: Well, I’d best go out and investigate and see what all the fuss is about.
Hero: *hurls a spear at The Big Bad Guy, not at all like the end of 300, mainly because he actually gets him*
D.I.D: *in the midst of all this, gets killed*
Village Elder Witch: *has been having some kind of epileptic fit for the entirety of the movie, fits her last, and blows her life force into the dead D.I.D*
D.I.D: *is dead no more*
Everyone: HOORAH! It was so totally not worth all the people who died along the way, but I guess this is something of a happy ending.
Audience: It might’ve been, had the movie been any good. I can’t believe the Saber-Tooth Tiger didn’t even bite anyone……