10,000 B.C. in Five Minutes or Less!

Young Hero: My name is D’Leh. Backwards, that spells Held. Which is German for Hero. The director of this movie is German. See?

Hunter Guy: Shut yer face. I promised your father that I would take care of you while he was on his many-year-long quest, and spank you I shall….. Whazzat over there?

Young Damsel-In-Distress(D.I.D): *is unconscious, but alive*

Hunter Guy: She’s unconscious, but alive.

Young Hero: Ooohh…. She’s got pretty blue eyes.

Village Elder Witch: She is the one. The one from the prophecy. The prophecy I’ve never mentioned up until now.

CUT TO:

TEN YEARS LATER:

Hero: Thank God I’ve grown up to be so good looking, with perfect teeth and skin, and hardly any need for real clothing, even though we live on the snowline of a mountain.

D.I.D: Ditto.

Hunter Guy: So, basically, whoever kills the Wooly Mammoth has the right to be the lead Hunter Guy once I’m gone…..

Everyone: Meh.

Hunter Guy: And also gets to bed the D.I.D here.

Everyone: LETS GOOOOOOO!

Wooly Mammoths: *arrive, but promptly fuck off when everyone tries to kill them*

Hero: I seem to be stuck to this one last Mammoth.

One Last Mammoth: Get the Fuck Offa Me! *goes bug ass crazy*

Hero: *kills it, but appearantly doesn’t think he killed good enough, and so doesn’t recieve the Hunter status, or the hot D.I.D*

Guys In The Audience: Fag.

CUT TO:

LATE ONE NIGHT.

Hero: *is sleeping in the even colder/more uncomfortable mountain tops*

Guys On Horses: *come to the sleepy village, kill/rape (off screen, but we can assume) most of everyone, but take D.I.D because she is hot and the lead bad guy likes her. Alot*

Hero: I shall go and save her.

Hunter: But we need your help here. People are dying here. And you didn’t even want her a few hours ago.

Hero: Yes, but plot development must have me move out of this boring mountain village.

Hunter: My god, you’re right. Lets go!

Village Elder Witch: Oh, you’re part of a prophecy. See ya!

CUT TO:

The Jungle.

Hero/Hunter: *have not been walking for very long, but have travelled into an entirely new kind of weather-type*

Hero: What was that?

Hunter: Nothing.

Giant TurkeyRaptor: RRRRRAAAARRRRRR!

Hero/Hunter: Holy crap in hell thats ridiculous looking!

Giant TurkeyRaptor: *kills most of everyone, except everyone who’s had a line in the film already, then buggers off*

CUT TO:

The Desert.

Hero/Hunter: *again, not walking much longer than a few hours, find themselves in a brand new terrain*

Hero: So far, this has been kind of underwhelmi – *falls into a massive hole in the ground*

Hunter: How did you not see that? Anyways, I’ll go get help.

Hero: But we’re in the desert, there’s no-one around….. Hello?

Saber-Tooth Tiger: *appears, as if from nowhere*

Hero: Oh, crap.

Saber-Tooth Tiger: *looks at the hero, and buggers off*

CUT TO:

The “African” Village.

The Locals: Click clack clock click click clack. Clock. Clack clack.

Hero: What?

The Locals: Oh, you speak English too? Good. You’re dad breezed through here over a decade ago and managed to teach us all your language. Oh, by the way, you’re part of our prophecy. So, whazzup?

Hero: We’re going to find a girl that was taken from us by the Four-Legged Beasts.

The Locals: You mean the guys on horses? Do we know your language better than you do?

Hero: Moving on….. You in?

CUT TO:

A massive river that looks exactly like but can’t possibly be The Nile.

Hero: Hey, look, Giant Winged Birds.

The Locals: Boats.

Hero: Yeah, sure.

The Locals: Even though boats weren’t invented til about 1,200 B.C…..

Hero: Moving on. Lets follow them up river.

The Locals: Nah, lets take a short cut through the desert.

Many Of The Locals: *die from exhaustion/hunger/thirst/lack of dialogue*

CUT TO:

A Giant Pyramid.

The Locals: The first pyramid wasn’t built until 2,630 B.C…..

Hero: Moving on. Look, they’re using Wooly Mammoths for their evil Pyramid schemes.

The Locals: Again, that never happened…..

Hero: ATTAAAAACK!

Everyone: *attacks*

CUT TO:

The Big Bad Guy: Whats all this noise? I can’t see a thing under this velvet veil.

Blind Albino Psychic Slaves: We’re under attack.

The Big Bad Guy: Well, I’d best go out and investigate and see what all the fuss is about.

Hero: *hurls a spear at The Big Bad Guy, not at all like the end of 300, mainly because he actually gets him*

D.I.D: *in the midst of all this, gets killed*

Village Elder Witch: *has been having some kind of epileptic fit for the entirety of the movie, fits her last, and blows her life force into the dead D.I.D*

D.I.D: *is dead no more*

Everyone: HOORAH! It was so totally not worth all the people who died along the way, but I guess this is something of a happy ending.

Audience: It might’ve been, had the movie been any good. I can’t believe the Saber-Tooth Tiger didn’t even bite anyone……

THE END.

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2 responses to “10,000 B.C. in Five Minutes or Less!

  1. scientists believe boats may have been invented as early as 14000BC

  2. Pingback: April’s Top 5 Films « Correct Opinion

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