Sex and the shitty theme song

We were already a bit worried about this summer’s big screen version of Sex and the City – the trailer showed a shocking lack of actual jokes, constant rumours of Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall fighting, Patricia Field’s fashion decisions appearing a bit OTT/bat shit crazy.

Don’t get us wrong, we liked the tv show. The film should have been something to look forward to, a nice bit of sexy girly fun in a summer of big action/superhero blockbusters. But now we have to add the prospect of listening to this at least once during the film:

(Note: within an hour of posting this, Universal Music clearly did a clean sweep of youtube, with about 12 videos of this song being removed. We found this new one, but it could be gone soon too. Probably for the best)

I had to double check – is that really the actual theme song?! It sounds like something that a chancer producer would knock off for a cheap hit on the back of the film. A tiny sample of the show’s theme tune, then Fergie’s “lyrics”, which appear to be just a list of designer labels. Maybe it’s just me, but I would have expected a song that tries to allude to the up-market, stylish and desirable image that the series itself aspires to be.

Have the four ladies traded their “it’s okay to be 30+ and still single in the city” ethos for a “oh dear god, we’re so old, quick, stand next to someone young!” panic attack?

On a somewhat-but-not-quite related note, here’s Fergie not taking herself seriously and contributing to actual laughter:

SATC producers, take note.

Ashlee Simpson & Timbaland; Part Two

This, following on from Outta My Head (the best song you’ve probably not heard of yet), is another example of how with enough money, you really can gain public likability. Timbaland’s new hip-hop star Izza Kizza does the little rap in the middle of it, but nothing really compares to Ashlee’s rather brilliant (and confusing) lyrics of:

“I’ve gotta a monkey on my back, he’s helpin’ me get it off, he’s helpin’ me get it off!”

What does that even mean? Don’t know, don’t care, do loves it. Continue on your way.

Madonna’s “Candy Store”

This is set to be the second single from Madonna’s upcoming “Hard Candy” album, once “4 Minutes” gets to Number One all across the world (Editor: it won’t). This one is produced by The Neptunes honcho Pharrell, and is appearantly Madge’s favourite song from the album.

Same rules apply as all previous additions: If it gets taken down, its because Warner Bros have found it, and have taken it offline. So be quick!

4 Minutes; The Single Cover.

This is the official single cover to Madge’s new song, 4 Minutes. It is not good. Her lower body looks like it was copy-and-pasted from a Sin City cover, and her face is airbrushed into oblivion. And Justin looks like he’s just done a stint of homelessness, but some P.A. put some fancy new clothes on him.

Messy.

Janet Jackson “Rock With U”

If you were never entirely sure what it was it was inside that massive cage at the start of Jurassic Park that attacked and killed the man, well, now we know.

Madonna’s ‘Hard Candy’; Outsourcing for Genius.

On the back of the massive popularity/backlash of Madonna’s new single ‘4 Minutes To Save The World,’ pop’s queen of re-invention has run into a brick wall of unoriginality.

Famed for finding producers to work on her albums before they were famous (and, therefore, making them famous), she used Stuart Price (aka Jacques Du Cont) on her ‘Confessions….’ album, who is now producing the new Killers album, as well as having William Orbit on her ‘Music’ album, who then went on to produce the top selling single of our generation, ‘Pure Shores’ with All Saints.

And this isn’t the first time Madonna has used and gone the way of R’n’B/Hip-Hop producers either. Dallas Austin gave her “Secret”, but also gave”Trick Me” to Kelis and “No Scrubs” to TLC, while Nellee Hooper produced “Bedside Story” for Madge, while giving “What You Waiting For?” to Gwen Stefani and “Under The Bridge” for All Saints.

But this new album does mark the first blatant attempt at Madonna creating for what’s hot now, instead of what will be hot soon. Out of the 13 confirmed tracks so far, uber-producer Timbaland is behind 5 of them, while Pharrell Williams’ producing duo The Neptunes are behind another 5. The remaining three consist of work from Akon (who you should know), Kanye West (ditto), Swizz Beatz (“Touch It,” for Busta Rhymes), and Sean Garrett (“Buttonz” for The Pussycat Dolls).

But the hiring of Timbaland and The Neptunes is the main issue here. Timbaland has been EVERYWHERE in the last 18 months, hiting something of a personal peak with “SexyBack” with Justin Timberlake, along with releasing his own album, instead of just creating hits for others. The Neptunes have been getting more into the hip-hop and heavy rock genres of late, but in their past created “I’m A Slave 4 U” for Britney, and “Milkshake” for Kelis.

The hiring of these two ‘sure-things’ would seem to indicate that Madonna has just realised that its been a while since she last had a number one hit in the U.S., especially when you consider that the first single from the album is sex-ridden duet with Justin Timberlake! ‘American Life’ knocked the wind out of her creative sails (and sales), and ‘Confessions On A Dancefloor’ showed that it is possible to create popular music without sounding like a flail for profits (even if the main single used an ABBA sample). A recent survey showed that 52% of MTV viewers thought this new album would prove to be Madonna’s most embarrassing, 19% thought it was going to be her greatest, while the remaining 29% of voters said they didn’t care, because they weren’t going to buy the album anyway.

So, that should probably tell you everything you need to know.

The Hills are alive with the sounds of horror!

This is the kind of abomonation that you couldn’t even dream of making up, even if you wanted to:

Yes, that is Britney Spears and Heidi Montag (the girl everyone loves to hate from The Hills) duetting on this song, appropriately enough entitled “The Hills.” However, in a recent interview, Britney admitted that the song was originally recorded by her and her alone, but was subsequently dropped from her latest album due to its, well, crapness. But that didn’t stop Montag from taking the song, including Britney’s vocals, and re-producing it for her own debut album. All of this without Spears’ knowledge, let alone permission. Fantastic, fantastic stuff there.

Of course, we didn’t think it could possibly get any worse than that, until we discovered this:

“Body Language” by Heidi Montag, with a rap verse by Spencer Pratt.

yes, that is the most hated man on earth since Kevin Federline, rapping, just like Kevin Federline. This has been a good day.

Madonna has 4 Minutes To Save The World! Updated!

This is the first single of Madonna’s new album, Hard Candy. The song is called ‘4 Minutes To Save The World’, and it is produced by Timbaland, and it features both Timbaland and Justin Timberlake.

CORRECTOPINION NOTE: If the link doesn’t work, it means Warners Music have beaten you to the link and tore it down offline. You snooze you lose.

UPDATED: the original video for this was taken down by Warners, but it was tres dodgy anyways, so here’s a new, better one. but once again, if it gets taken down, you know why.

Hi-Fido

so behind the curve we are here, but as of Christmas 2007, the number one album on the New Zealand Album Charts was “Ask the Animals: Songs to Make Dogs Happy!” by producer Scott Simon. With track titles such as “You’re A Good Dog”, “Squeeky-Deeky” and “Scratch My Back”, the dogs lounge around the house listening to music that only they can hear. While creating the album, Scott Simon learned some interesting things, like that fact that heavy percussion sounds (like gun shots) and the overuse of the word “NO!” can create a negative effect on the dogs’ mood:

On the plus side, all the profits from the album went to charity. Presumably one for people suffering from animal attacks.

mariah knows science. fact.

mariah carey has renamed her latest album. up to this point, mariah (may we call you mariah?) has been referring to her new album as That Chick. but as of today, it was been successfully renamed as E=MC², named after a famous Albert Einstein formula. but whats double-y fun about this is that MC not only stands for Mass and Celeritas (the speed of light in a vacuum), but also for Mariah and Carey! how great is that?? its not entirely clear what the E (originally Energy) is going to stand for in Mariah’s album title. any suggestions? judging from the unbeknownst to the world intelligence that Mariah clearly has and is displaying with this new title, it could be, literally, anything.

but will mostly likely be “Elf” or “Elephants are nice” or something.

also, for the four people out there who might be interested, Mariah’s new single “Touch My Body” was released today. it hasn’t yet reached YouTube, but check out the link below if you want to listen to it. its produced by the same guys who did “Umbrella” for Rihanna, and if you though there was no way for them to recreate that kind of magical pop again…… you were absolutely correct.

http://www.wild955.com/cc-common/mfeatures/mariahcareyOD/