Voltron The Movie; Due 2010

Writer Justin Marks, the guy who what wrote Unbroken (no, us neither) and the forthcoming Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun Li, comes the script for big screen adaptation of Voltron, the cartoon that pre-dated the similar but less apocalyptic Power Rangers by about 15 years.

Its been described as “a post-apocalyptic tale set in New York City and Mexico which follows five ragtag survivors of an alien attack who band together and end up piloting the five lion-shaped robots that combine and form the massive sword-wielding Voltron that helps battle Earth’s invaders.”

Appearantly LatinoReview have read the script, and announced it as “a fucking masterpiece” and Cinemablend’s opinion doesn’t differ too much; “a well put together, well intentioned, incredibly faithful Voltron script using modern sensibilities.”

We’re sorry, but just how well intentioned to you intend to be when we’re talking about a film involving aliens, lion robots, and a giant samurai that fights the bad invaders with a big sword? That kinda shit might fly in Manga-land, but the is Hollywood baby. Thats not kosher here.

Harry Potter And The Half Year Release Date Move

Because we forgot to add previously, here is the Potter 6 teaser trailer:

As with all the films, its getting darker, to the point that by the time Potter 7 swings round, you may not be able to see the Warner Brothers logo. Also, at the end of the trailer, the word “Novemeber” pops op. Well…..

“Like every other studio, we are still feeling the repercussions of the writers’ strike, which impacted the readiness of scripts for other films—changing the competitive landscape for 2009 and offering new windows of opportunity that we wanted to take advantage of.  We agreed the best strategy was to move Half-Blood Prince to July, where it perfectly fills the gap for a major tent pole release for mid-summer.” From the pen of Mister Warner (or one of his PR people, at least).

The real reason, apparently, is because Warners also distributed a little movie called The Dark Knight this year, which made a butt load of money, so they don’t really need any more this year, and have moved it back to July 2009 cos it’ll have little to no competition. The only other film opening on the same day is Will Ferrell’s Land Of The Lost, which Paramount will probably move to a safer date now.

“Tekken” Movie News

Lets forget for a second that Computer Game-to-Movie adaptations have yet to create one watchable product. Lets also forget for a second that Beat ‘Em Ups have a particularly bad rep, with Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter being some of the worst things to happen to cinema since Uwe Boll. So, having forgotten all of that, lets take a peak of some of the “creative” people behind the making of the movie adaptation of Tekken.

Director Dwight H. Little has some interesting entries on his resume, with the likes of Halloween 4, Free Willy 2 and Anaconda: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid scattered all over the place. But writer Alan B. McElroy’s CV is even more entertaining to read: Spawn, Ballistic: Ecks VS Sever, Thr3e, Wrong Turn 2…… to name only the one’s we’ve heard of.

Then we have the cast. Topping the cast list is Luke Goss (thats a bad sign) playing Steve Fox who didn’t show up until Tekken 4. After him we have Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa playing Heihachi Mashima, the lead bad guy of the story. Tagawa must have some kind of addiction to this sort of character, because he also played Shang Tsung, the lead bad guy from Mortal Kombat. After that, your guess is as good as ours as to who any of the rest of them are. Some famous stunt guy is playing Yoshimitsu….. Oh, and the chick who play GoGo in Kill Bill Vol.1 is playing someone too. But thats about it.

They should’ve just let Uwe Boll direct it and be done with it. Expect it early 2009.

Review for “Sex And The City” OST

While we all know that a good/bad soundtrack does not a good/bad movie make, there doesn’t seem to be another movie this year (aside from Step Up 2) that will sell as many soundtracks as Sex And The City, and its also fair to say that some of the best soundtracks of recent years have accompanied some of the best movies of recent years (Pulp Fiction, Almost Famous, uhm, Step Up 2). So, with that in mind, here’s a review of the Sex And The City OST:

One; Fergie “Labels Or Love”

There probably isn’t a better named song to suit this particular movie, and the use of a slightly remixed version of the theme to the show is “inventive”, but none of this takes away from the fact that this is still the worst song you’ve ever heard Fergie sing. Which is really saying something.

Two; Jennifer Hudson “All Dressed In Love”.

The obligitory “song from the singer in the movie” sounds like a leftover from Dreamgirls. Despite Hudson’s amazing voice and writing duties from Cee-Lo Green aka one half of Gnarls Barkley, this still sounds like one of the crappy jazz songs that blonde chick used to sing at the end of Ally McBeal.

Three; Duffy “Mercy”

Yes, this song is amazing, and yes, its placement here should help her crack the states, but seriously, if we hear this song one more time, we’re gonna find that Welsh bitch and bring an abrupt end to her.

Four; Nina Simone “The Look Of Love” (Madison Park/Lenny B Remix)

A classic song given the end-of-the-night-in-a-gay-disco remix. Saved from absolute awfulness thanks only to Simone’s smokey delivery.

Five; Morningwood “New York Girls”

Do you get it? New York Girls, and this film is set in New York, and its about…. well, women, but still, close enough, eh? There’s nothing necessarily wrong with this song, except for the Korn-alike guitar assualt near the chorus. And the fact you won’t be able to remember what it sounds like 5 seconds after you’ve heard it.

Six; The Weepies “All This Beauty”

For a band monickered so blatantly depressing, this song is very upbeat and Beach Boys-esque. Its actually kinda nice. You can almost see the costume change montage that this goes to, the girls try something on for fun, then for serious, and then one of them trips out of their changing room in just their undies, and they all laugh and laugh and laugh. But then you’ll never hear this song again. Ever.

Seven; Kaskade “I Like The Way”

Cutting edge spelling aside, we’re back in the gay disco, assuming its trance night and everyone is off their heads on poppers. This doesn’t belong on this soundtrack. It should be on Hawt Ibiza Jamz Summer ’05. If thats your bag, then you’ll love this song. But you’re also in need of some kind of intervention.

Eight; Jem “It’s Amazing”

Lets get this out of the way. We love Jem. Ever since her first song 3 years ago, and her subsequent disappearance from the face of the planet, we love her. And this song doesn’t change that. Its the best song of the whole thing that you haven’t already heard of (Damn you, Duffy!).

Nine; The Bird & The Bee “How Deep Is Your Love”

Yes, its a cover of that song. And its kinda nice. But, as with most of the vaguely okay songs on here, you won’t ever ever ever ever ever need or want to listen to it ever again. Just put on the Bee Gee’s instead. It’ll save you having to answer the question “Who’s singing this?”, and then you’ll have to say “The Bird And The Bee” and then they give you that look….. You know the look we’re talking about….

Ten; India.Arie “The Heart Of The Matter”

Honestly, when I put this song on first, I thought it had skipped back to number 2. But then after a few seconds, I realised it was the song from the ad that plays over the end. And again, there’s nothing wrong with this song. But it won’t bother the charts, your stereo or your memory any time in near future.

Eleven; Mairi Campbell & Dave Francis “Auld Lang Syne”

This is pointless, inexcusable and should have been on the P.S. I Love You OST. If you ever find yourself in the unfortunate situation to hear this, then you’ll understand why.

Twelve; Bliss “Kissing”

Kinda sounds like The Corrs mixed with Enya mixed with Annie Lennox during her “creative” years, and everything bad that that combination implies. Multiplied by the fact that its over 6 minutes long. Rumour has it that playing this song is one of the torture devices in Saw 5. Vicious.

Thirteen; Al Green feat Joss Stone “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart”

The world has probably had its feel of Joss Stone by this point, but Al Green is an absolute legend, and even though she’s a biohazard of a woman, Stone still has a classic voice, and when they duet on this amazing song, it really does work wonders. But again, this will appeal to absolutely no-one, since most young women won’t know or appreciate who Al Green is, and most people hate Joss Stone. And here we are.

Fourteen; Run DMC -vs- Aerosmith “Walk This Way”

If you can’t think why you can no longer listen to this fantastic song, I’ve got four words for you. Sugababes -vs- Girls Aloud. Which, surely, would’ve been a much better choice for this album, non?

Fifteen; Pfeifer Broz Orchestra “Sex And The City Movie Theme”

Nobody listens to this. It’s a slightly louder, more percussionistic version of the television theme, and nobody is going to listen to this, because why would they? Like most of this album, they’ve already heard it and are sick to death of it.

So, in conclusion, and at a push, 6 good songs out of 15. And yet still, it’ll sell more than any of actually good and talented artists of the playlist would on their own. Somebody get me the Step Up 2 OST, I need me some Timbaland…..

Baghead

While they were shooting their first feature The Puffy Chair, someone on the crew asked the directing brothers whats the scariest thing they could think of. And it wound round to someone saying “A guy with a bag on his head looking at you through the window.” But not everyone agreed with this, thinking it was more funny or ridiculous than scary. And so their second feature, Baghead, was created.

Likelihood of you or anyone you know seeing this movie: minimal. But still, it seems interesting enough.

The Wizard Of Ass

While not exactly “film news” per say, this is still definitely worth watching, although we’ll be damned if we’re sure why.

Its a promotional fake movie trailer to accompany the release of Chuck Palahinuk’s new book, Snuff. Having already had Fight Club adapted, and with Choke out later this year, as well as Survivor, Invisible Monsters and Diary all in production in one way or another, no doubt this fake movie trailer will end up spurring on a real movie trailer. For a real movie. Eventually.

BioShock-ingly Good News!

For everyone who wasn’t played what is one of the greatest video games of all time, here’s a quick synopsis of the plot to BioShock on the Xbox360:

You start of the game in control of a character who is the sole survivor of a plane crash in the middle of the ocean. As the plane goes under the waves, you notice a rocky island, with a weird building on it. You go in and investigate, and discover that miles underwater is the hidden city of Rapture.  It was created in the ’30’s by the geniuses of the time, but since then something horrible has gone wrong when the residents of the perfect city tried to perfect the human genome, and almost everyone went insane, cannibalistic and ravenous. The few survivors left are either trying to kill you for food, or are incased in giant metal suits trying to sanitize the city back for future use, or are possessed little girls haunted by the ghosts of the deceased, crazed residents.

Anyways, this game was considered unfilmable, due to the MASSIVE BUDGET it must require to film properly (seriously, the art direction in this movie is unmatched my anything else on an format of entertainment), but this hasn’t stopped Universal from attaching a director and a writer to the project.

Gore Verbinski (the Pirates trilogy, The Ring) would seem like the absolute prime candidate for directing this creepy, big budget extravaganza, and John Logan (The Aviator, Sweeney Todd) will be providing the adaptation. Expect this some time in 2011.

Review for ”Speed Racer”

And so arrives 2008’s generally least anticipated summer blockbuster. From the get go of the early trailers, this looked like a very expensive movie for a very niche market, namely those who enjoyed Speed Racer and are looking for a adrenilin kick of nostalgia. And while they will get theres, this movie should also play to roughly half on any given audience in a very good way. But there other half, not so much…..

Getting the basics out of the way, Emile Hirsch is Speed, of the Racer family, who loves driving his souped up logistically impossible car, winning all the small times racers, with no real competition except for that of the ghost of the brother, who was killed in a fixed race several years earlier. His father (John Goodman) and mother (Susan Surandon) never entirely got over it, but they still watch Speed race, along with his younger brother Spritle and his pet monkey ChimChim(Paulie Litt and said monkey almost run away with the film, such is their comic timing). When a big time sponson spots Speed’s potential, he offers him an ultimatum, join his team or possibly be killed on the track. And thats pretty much your lot.

But then this film was never going to be about the story, or for that matter, the acting. Hirsch, Goodman and Sarandon are all fine in the roles, as is Matthew Fox as Racer X (mysterious past alert!) and Christian Ricci as Speed’s girlfriend Trixie once again oozes sex appeal, even while trying to just be cute and safe. This film was going to be about the visuals. And my God, are they visual.

The best, or perhaps worst, comparison is to Ang Lee’s The Hulk, with its very literal take of ”comic book adaptation”, so to is this quite probably the closest Hollywood will ever get to taking a 60’s Manga cartoon and making it ”real”, with real being a very subjective word in this case, since practically all of the movie has at least some CGI going on somewhere on screen. The races themselves range from extremely exciting (the cross-continent rally, for example, is an expert example of a modern action sequence) to boring, repetitive or irritating (two seperate races in the movie cut back and forth from the race to events in the past, totally chopping up the tension of the scene itself).

For most of the movie, the best advice would be to regress into a mental age of about 7 and look at all the pretty colours, laugh at the monkey throwing poo at the bad guy and try not to think too hard. While we’re not saying there’s nothing for adults to enjoy (Richard Rowntree’s cameo, Roger Allam taking the villian he played in V For Vendetta and turning it up to 11), most of this movie is aimed squarely at the young or the young at heart. But if the idea alone of spending 140 minutes in a world vaguely resembling a futuristically neon gay pride flag is already giving you a headache, then give this a miss. Don’t even look at the poster. This is not for you. You know who you are.

Six Out Of Ten.

Ninja Cheerleaders!

They’re Cheerleaders! Who also happen to be Ninjas! What else do you need? George Takei? Cos he’s in there, too!

All this written and directed by David Presley, who was a cameraman on films like There Will Be Blood, The Insider, Starship Troopers, Contact and Syriana to name but a few! Do you think he looked at his C.V. and just thought “Boooooor-ring! Where’s the Ninjas? Where’s the Cheerleaders? Hang on a sec……”

Thats what we like to think happened.

Hitler; A Comedy Goldmine?

Had we read about this on April 1st, we’d have laughed on moved on, but, appearantly, no:

Mein Kampf, based on a dark farce by Hungarian playwright George Tabori, is set in a Vienna hostel before World War One. In the play, an insecure Hitler is befriended by an elderly Jew who gives him his infamous hair style and toothbrush mustache.  Tom Schilling (Elementary Particles) will star as Hitler, and Goetz Georg as his Jewish friend, Schlomo Herzl (editors; seriously?). Urs Odermatt will direct the production, which starts shooting in Vienna this week. UFA plans to release the film in Germany next year.

A German making a comedy about Nazis. Well well well. So when can we expect an American director to start making a comedy about slavery? Who said that was Amistad? That was in poor taste. Shame on you……